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TcE-LeZ
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Joined: Mar 22, 2007
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Coleys a smack head Posted:
Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:25 am
A guy wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet herparents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.''When we eat dinner we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. 'No problem,' he says and in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirtydishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses Joe decides to take advantage of the situation So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over andfondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious andher dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,that's enough, I'll do the fuckin' dishes!'
A little old lady answered a knock at the door to be met by a vacuum cleaner salesman."bugga off" she said, trying to shut the door. "Wait" he says, and tips a bucket of horse shit on her hallway carpet, "if this vacuum cleaner doen't remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet madam, i will eat the remainder".
"well she says i hope your fuckin hungry ,because the electric was cut off this morning"
A young woman from Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is,' the captain said. 'This is the Mersey Ferry.'
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"?
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she
has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax".
"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed,
"let's put all these Frosties back in the box".
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
WoW Msn is Just Crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy. |
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